June 28, 2003

It has been an interesting week. I lost my milk supply. I�ve never had that happen before and it has really made me ponder some things.

As mentioned in a piece I wrote titled My Blessing Way - go here - http://www.compleatmother.com/articles2/blessing.htm our family has been trying to find the balance in our lives. In regards to diet, the scale had shifted so far away from healthy eating, that the past month or so, I could hardly recognize myself. We have been busy, working hard � doing lots of activities outside the home � the kids and I painted their bedroom, and we have been traveling all over Colorado to attend my daughters gymnastics meets on the weekends.

Obviously, I haven�t had time to cook like I normally do and so we have been eating on the run, lots of fast food, junk food, and even candy. This past year I have eaten more meat and dairy foods than ever before in my life, and we have had dessert a couple times a week. It has been very fat and very happy. I still cooked whole grains every day and made salads a couple times a week � so I figured the animal foods and additional white flour and sugar in my pantry couldn�t hurt, could it?

Last Friday I had a wake up call. After a busy morning, I had to drive up the mountain to get my daughter from camp. I stopped by McDonalds and bought a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit with two milks. Then I drove up and while Shelly loaded her gear in the car, I nursed my baby. When we arrived home I ate �lunch� three chocolate chip granola bars, and a handful of potato chips. I took my nap and that evening it started. Pain � a major gall bladder attack.

I have had these dozens of times, but this was a big one � so I did my usual relaxation techniques to get the bile duct to relax and the stone to move and hot tea to relax my gut. I finally got in the tub and did some major vocalization, but it wouldn�t budge. Then I asked my husband to give me a blessing and he did. I was alone in the bath � and then it happened.

WARNING, THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE SENSITIVE MAY NOT WANT TO READ THIS!!!

I was a little baby, nine months old and I had a penis in my mouth. My perpetrator would use the sucking reflex of little babies to get his sexual gratification. From what I have studied this is quite common for a child molester to do. I find it interesting that the first food allergy attack I had was when I was two. My parents told me that I was eating a piece of fish for the first time. Fish smells a lot like Semen, and I think the fish scent triggered the reaction I had, which was, my mouth swelled up like a balloon. My dad gave me a blessing to stop the symptoms, which worked, but that was the beginning of horrible, deadly food allergies that I have battled all my life.

As the memory hit I started to cry like I was a baby � sobbing and moaning � thrashing around in the tub. My husband was scared and I just cried and cried. And then I felt the gallstone move and the gall bladder attack stopped, and over the next few minutes I felt a sensation like claws clamping down on my colon. The pain was like nothing I had ever felt. It just never stopped. That night I tried to drink water � two quarts of it � but puked up every drop. My husband took the baby, and brought him to me twice to nurse while I tried to relieve the pain with a variety of techniques. I used castor oil packs, Epsom salt baths, Essential oil enemas. Nothing worked. I was getting frantic. If I could not even drink, how could I nurse my baby?

Saturday morning I called my herbalist. She uses the Nature�s Sunshine brand of herbs exclusively. She prescribed JPX tea for me to drink right away. Paul made me a cup and as I drank I felt the tea wend its way through my stomach and settle things down. But I was completely impacted in my colon. She prescribed some additional herbs to take and I kept drinking the tea, plus a potassium broth that we make whenever anyone is sick.

Potassium Broth

Ingredients:

2 chopped potatoes

2 chopped carrots

5 garlic cloves

2 Tbls flax seed

� cup oat straw tea

Boil for 20 minutes and strain � drink to relieve just about any illness

But as Saturday came and went, I had no bowel activity, nothing. As I nursed Ben with the remainder of my milk, I was so nervous. He is still on 95% breast milk. But I felt like I was drowning in pain, could not even think of eating, and if the herbs from my herbalist had not stopped the vomiting and let me get some broth into my body, I probably would have gone to the E.R. for help (and would most likely have a little colostomy bag hanging from my belly right now).

My belly started to swell, my kids said I looked like I was pregnant, I could not feel anything moving in my gut. I had so much pain, I could barely breathe. Each intake of breath caused pain, so I took sips of air to get the oxygen I needed. On Sunday Paul�s sister and her family stopped by on their way through town. My brother in law is a Mormon Bishop and so he and my nephew and Paul gave me a priesthood blessing. Soon after the blessing I felt the least little bit of gas finally come through and I knew I was not going to die nor was I going to have to go under the knife, which for me, is worse than dying.

Paul went to the health food store and bought eight ounces of wheat grass juice. I did a rectal implant with that on Sunday afternoon and it helped to bring down the gallstone that started the whole ordeal. The stone was an inch in diameter. I have been working on cleansing my liver and gall bladder for the past six years. I have done about 25 liver/gall bladder �flushes� using grapefruit juice and olive oil. So I am used to seeing gallstones coming through � this was a big one! Usually the stones that I pass are the size of a pea.

We started giving Benjamin formula on Sunday afternoon. On Monday I went to my herbalist and had a full workup. She could not believe how I looked. I was completely wasted, and so sad because I had no milk for my baby. Over the next five days I made good progress and was able to work out the impaction using herbs and the wheat grass colon implants every day (eight ounces each day). My daughters took care of the baby day and night � although he would only take the bottle from me after I let him nurse for a few minutes � so it felt like he was breastfeeding. Then he would slug down the formula and fall asleep.

Each day I felt a little better. On Wednesday I had a lady come in to give me a massage and that helped very much with the pain, especially her energy work. Yesterday I was able to eat some real food � a little overcooked Kamut, very watery, and held it down. Last night I was able to produce a trickle of milk for my boy. He looked up at me in wonder as it went into his mouth.

Today I was able to eat some fresh fruit and a little brown basmati rice. I have no appetite, and everything I eat makes my guts hurt, but I am slowly getting my digestion going again.

I have decided that the �balanced� life of eating a little bit of everything is not going to be a part of my life anymore. I am a vegan vegetarian. I have messed around with vegetarianism for fifteen years, but I am not going to do this back and forth thing. It is too hard on my body. I don�t care how difficult it is for me socially or in my own home, I am not going to eat any more meat, milk or any animal foods. I am not going to eat any white flour, rice, or sugar. I am not going to eat chocolate. That�s it.

I never again want to see a baby of mine looking at me with that little bit of distrust, �what is happening mom? Where did my milk go?� It broke my heart and made me feel so guilty for the junk I had been filling my body up with.

I know some may read this and say, �well, you were processing a sexual abuse memory, that is what this is all about� or maybe it is because I had just had a fight with my online chat room for homeschoolers, or maybe this happened because I was toxically overwhelmed by painting for two days straight without a paint mask, or maybe because I have other issues I am not aware of.

Whatever caused the blockage � whether emotional, physical, spiritual, or whatever � the fact that my body was filled with junk food certainly didn�t help. I believe the colon blockage was all of these things intertwined � impossible to separate. I can�t change the fact that I was molested and raped, but I can eat healthfully and provide wonderful milk for my baby. I am bound and determined to get my milk supply back and nurse this boy until he is three.

My message to you nursing moms is twofold. First, eat healthfully and stay away from junk food, I am determined to do this as well as I did when my older children were babes. Second, don�t let anyone watch your baby for you. An assault like the one that happened to me can take place in a matter of minutes. I know my parents meant well when we were growing up and my mother said she hated the pressure my father put on her to leave the kids with someone so they could get away. But they left us kids often, with all kinds of people, while they took week-long trips and went on many dates. I am glad my parents had that time alone. With eight children to raise perhaps it was important. But protecting our children from predators is more important and I believe the world has changed in the past 35 years.

With internet porn so available and many, many people succumbing to the temptation to become sexually addicted � I believe the number of predators will go up, has gone up, and we need to be more vigilant than ever to make certain that our babies will be safe.

I�m glad I had the wakeup call. It feels right in my heart to make this stand. Fruit, Vegetables, Grains, Beans, Seeds, Water�.Here I come!

Here is a picture of my baby Ben and I on October 25th 2003, about three minutes after I gave birth to him. The language of love lays the foundation of all other types of learning!

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