Newsletter: July 1999

"So little to do, so much time to do it in."
  - Willie Wonka

   SUMMER: A time for lazing. Not a time for reading deep stuff
or sales messages. We have some really cool new cartoons on
the site (in color), so if you are feeling energetic enough
to visit, well, they will still be there in September after
the kids go back to school. But just maybe you have a spare
moment early in the morning or late at night. If so,then
take a look at the "What's New" section. But do your 
swimming and cook something good on the barbeque first. 
Harvest some tomatoes and beans, have a word or two with
the Creator of your garden while you are in it. We'll still
be here in September....

     POSITION:   Mom
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for 
challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and 
organizational skills and be willing to work variable
hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent
24 hour shifts on call.  Some overnight travel required,
including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends
and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities.  Travel 
expenses not reimbursed.  Extensive courier duties also 
RESPONSIBILITIES:  Must provide on-the-site training in 
basic life skills, such as nose blowing.  Must have strong
skills in negotiating,conflict resolution and crisis 
management.  Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus.  Must be
able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box, 
because you most likely will need it for a school project.
Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in
managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to 
hear, "He got more than me!" for the rest of your life.
Also, must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud
and adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing above
mentioned skills in conflict resolution.  Must be able to 
choose your battles and stick to your guns.  Must be able to
withstand criticism, such as "You don't know anything."  
Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until
someone needs $5 to go skating.  Must be willing to bite 
tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and 
be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in 
case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not 
someone just crying wolf.  Must be willing to face 
stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget
repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate
production of multiple homework projects.  Must have ability
to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all 
ages and mental outlooks.  Must be willing to be 
indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.  Must
handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million
cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices.
Also, must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, 
because fund-raiser will be your middle name.  Must have a 
diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions such as 
"What makes the wind move?" or "Why can't they just go in 
and shoot Sadam Hussein?" on the fly.  Must always hope for
the best but be  prepared for the worst.  Must assume
final, complete accountability for the quality of the end 

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and 
janitorial work throughout the facility.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, 
without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your
skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass 
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:  Non required, unfortunately.  
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting 
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:  You pay them, offering frequent 
raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn
18 because of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent.  When you die, you give them
whatever is left.  The oddest thing about this reverse-salary
scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only
do more.
BENEFITS:  While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock 
options are offered, job supplies limitless opportunities 
for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your
cards right.


Dear Mother Dear

Couldn't resist sending you this.  I read it and immediately thought of it
as fodder for you last page.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next
to each other, outside the operating room.  The first kid
leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and
I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about.  I
had that done when I was four.  They put you to sleep, and
when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.  It's a

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born.  I
couldn't walk for a year!

Hoping to make your day a smiling one!  
-Submitted by Carol Oliver


Smiles forever,


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