The Thing

by Janis Honea


On another planet, a young man was preparing for his first sexual encounter. He was nervous, since he had never spoken to anyone who had ever done it successfully. He decided to ask some of his friends about their experiences.

"I really wanted to!" exclaimed one, but my doctor said my penis was too small."

"Really!" interrupted another. "My doctor said mine was too large!"

"I wanted to too, but it turns out I didn't have enough to satisfy her." said another.

"I never wanted to! Its so gross! I'd feel like an animal or something. I know they say that penis is best, but all mine were artificially aroused and they were happy and satisfied," said the oldest in the group.

"Haven't you been divorced seven times?" asked the young man.

"Yes, but that had nothing to do with it." he said.

"I hear you need to toughen it up before you do it. You know, scrub it with a loofah or something." said one friend.

"And you can't let her go for any longer than a couple of minutes at first, or you'll get sore."

"My cousin said it was incredibly painful. He penis cracked and bled. He only lasted a couple of days. Thank God we have alternatives today," said the friend who was "too small."

"I have a friend who did it," said one, almost whispering.

"It seemed like a lot of work to me. Every time I talked to him it seemed like he had just finished or was just about to make love to his wife. I told him surely she was not being satisfied or she wouldn't be wanting it again so soon. I told him he needed to supplement with a vibrator. He wouldn't go for it."

"Well, I really think I want to try." said the young man.

"Good for you!" said his "too big" friend. "But be sure you get her on a schedule or she will manipulate you."

The young man was so confused as he left he decided to ask his physician about it.

"I understand your concern." said his doctor, placing a hand on his shoulder. A lot of men, especially our first timers are unable to meet their women's needs with their penises. Taking classes, reading books, doesn't seem to help. Despite all their best efforts, many men just can't. Its called insufficient penis syndrome. I know you want to try, and I think that is great, but let me send you home with this vibrator just in case. Look, its bent, or angled to insure that you do her in a semi-upright position."

The young man gratefully took the vibrator home and thought about all the things he had heard. When the time finally came he was determined to do it naturally.

He was excited and nervous. He tried to do everything right. He watched the clock and stopped after exactly the prescribed period of time. The event was a humiliating failure. His woman was frustrated and upset. He couldn't understand it. He had done everything he was told to do.

His honey told him she loved him and that his touch was sufficient, and together they would learn to get it right, but the next time she seemed interested he thought, "Just this once I'll use the vibrator. I can't stand the thought of her going unsatisfied.

No one had warned him of the danger of penis confusion. Soon she developed a preference for the vibrator and rejected the penis altogether. In a way, he preferred it too. If he needed to get away sometimes, anyone could satisfy her. And though he heard he should hold her every time to promote bonding, it got easier and easier to prop her in the corner with the vibrator while he went about doing his chores.

It was important for him to keep busy. If allowed time to feel, he always felt vaguely cheated and sad. Being a lover was not at all what he had hoped. He wanted to get away from his wife. He resented her demands and felt inadequate to meet her needs. The closeness that he longed for never developed.

One day he got up the courage to ask his friend for the phone number of the man he knew who "did it."

"Hi," said the young man. "I got your number from a friend. I would like some information on lovemaking. I wasn't able to with my first love and if I ever have another, I really want to make love to her myself."

"How old is your relationship?" asked the man on the phone.

"Just a few months," said the young man sadly.

"Would you like to make love to your wife now? Its not too late!" said the man.

"Do you really think I could?" asked the young man. He felt hopeful for the first time in ages. They talked for some time and the man invited him to a La Cosa League meeting. (La Cosa is Spanish for The Thing, and slang for penis.) La Cosa League was a group dedicated to providing support and information to men who wanted to make love to their women. He was amazed at how many men were doing it and was encouraged by men who had overcome many obstacles to successfully satisfy their wives.

"What do I need to do?" the young man asked, wide-eyed and determined.

"The first thing you need to do, is get rid of the vibrator. The young man did not know how to respond. A rock of nerves formed in the pit of his stomach.

"I couldn't possibly..."

"Now your woman may object a bit, but persevere. She will quickly become accustomed to the feel of your body."

"What if I can't satisfy her?" the young man asked.

The leader assured him that even if it took a while, with practice he should have no trouble.

"Well, how often, and for how long?"

"Take your cues from her," responded one of the men. "Watch your wife, not the clock."

His mind reeled as he drove home. He thought over all the things he had heard. How come no one had ever told him this before? It seemed so radical, but somehow it felt right.

At first his woman was not interested at all in switching. She protested when he offered her the penis. Refused it cold. But with patience and persistence she eventually accepted it.

He was amazed that once she took it, she did not seem to want to let go. He had never been so elated in his whole life. He had done it! He had made love to his wife! With his own body!

The next time his wife requested the vibrator he gently and lovingly offered the penis again. She fussed some but quickly accepted him. He was even more excited than the first time. He had worried then that it was a lucky fluke, but now he believed he really could do it. To his delight, his wife never asked for the vibrator again.

The transformation in his attitude toward his wife was remarkable. He no longer resented midnight lovemaking sessions. He felt a bond with her like he had never known. He didn't want other people satisfying her, and he didn't want to get away. His attitude about himself also changed. He felt so confident and calm. He was not inadequate, and he was not replaceable. He hurt when he thought of all the men who didn't know what he knew. He felt even sorrier for their women. As he watched his wife thrive on his love alone his enthusiasm for lovemaking grew harder and harder to contain. One day while talking with his old friends someone brought up the latest advancement in vibrators. They blithely discussed the merits of the latest tool when he excitedly blurted, "We've thrown ours away."

The room fell silent.

"What?" asked the friend with the "too small" penis.

"We've thrown the vibrator away" he said again.

"Well what do you use then?" asked the friend with the "too large" penis.

"I make love to her myself," he said.

"Why would you want to go and do something like that?"

"Doesn't it hurt?"

"You'll be sorry."

"Oh No! You haven't been hanging around with those fanatics from La Cosa League, have you?" asked his friend who "could not."

"They aren't fanatics," the young man said calmly. "They gave me a lot of good information and I'm very happy with my decision.

The men burst out laughing. "Next thing you know, he is going to stop shaving," joked the divorced one.

"Oh! Or letting her sleep in his bed." roared another.

"You've really done it now," said the "too small" one, sobering up. "What are you going to do if you have to leave her for a while? And you'd better hope she doesn't start biting!"

"Be prepared to give up your life. warned the divorced one.

"Your brain is going to turn to oatmeal."

The young man thought carefully about that and smiled to himself. He didn't feel like he was giving up anything, especially in the light of all he had gained.

"You know," he said, "I think I like it as much as she does."

"Boy, You really are a radical."

(In Canada)
From The Compleat Mother, October 97 issue,

Jody McLaughlin
Compleat Mother Magazine
PO Box 209
Minot, North Dakota 58702-0209 USA
email: [email protected]
(701) 852-2822


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