Childbirth Resouces

Childbirth
Resources

Please send us your short story about being a single parent! There are many issues which you could write about. Don't worry about correct spelling or punctuation. We will help you with that aspect. Just send your story (could be just a paragraph or two) in email to [email protected] and we will consider publishing it here.  Thank you!

be thankful

I am a single mother of my 4 year old daughter Delanie. 

 I work two jobs and often feel guilty about not being able to spend more time with her.  I recently bought my own home eight months ago and every day is a different struggle.  She is what gets me through each of them.  I would rather have this hectic life than not have her. 

 I used to cry at night because I felt bad for her having to grow up without a "normal" family. I finally realized its not abnormal to her, she loves her life because she is loved.  She is so young that the simple things in life are all she cares about so i decided to quit my crying and be thankful for what we have. 

My heart was broken

single mum from Coventry in England

I am a single mum from Coventry in England, which is in the middle of England.  On reading all these letters from U.S.A., I am thinking how lucky I am to be in England!!!  I have three boys ages 6, 8 and 9.  My middle son is Autistic and attends a mainstream school.  He has one to one support at this school, which is no extra cost to me.

I am saddened by your country's system as we get a huge amount of help here.  The benefits I claim include child support from my ex-husband, income support, disability benefit for my son, carers allowance for me and child benefit, which every parent receives.  Also the DSS (Department for Social Security) pays the interest on my mortgage.  This enables me to be able to support the family whilst studying for my degree.  Although I have worked before having the children, at the moment, I cannot support the children and pay the bills with a job and pay child care.  The benefit system has enabled to stay where I am, so not to disrupt the children's lives.  Also when I have my degree, I am more likely to get a job that is highly paid and is worth doing (fingers crossed).  By this time, the children will be older and more independent.

It may seem an unfair system, because it is not keeping families together and in this country there are so many 'spongers' who have excuses not to work and claim as much as £40,000 in benefits, which is wrong.  In my respect, im so thankful that I have this opportunity to better myself and to have family and eventually career fulfillment.

Tracy Malone

MY LIFE WILL NEVER GET ANY BETTER

I  am 24 yrs of age and i would like to tell you a little story about myself.

I met my husband when i was 16 yr. of age. we got engaged on my 17 Th. birthday. I fell pregnant at 17 but we didn't seem to think it would be a great problem as we were in love. We therefore bought a 2 bedroom house. We had a beautiful boy and then we decided to try for another baby 3 month after my little boy and had a girl. Our troubles started.

he go out to work all day 7 days  never use to and if not working at weekend he would go out with friends instead of having time for me and his family. I basically was a single mum even when i had a husband.

i felt like i was staring at 4 walls got short temper i felt i was tearing apart.

We separated when my little boy was 3 and my little girl was 2. My head felt like it was gone explode because i pick up a little part time job which my parents were baby-sitting while i went out to work behind a bar and getting in at around 12.30ish at night.
"you wont be able"
"you will find it very hard"
Was all everybody kept saying to me. It was hard i would cry to sleep no time for my self and it got worse before it got better
My health visitor helped me get a lot of help whet on courses to deal with toddlers behaviour. Been a single mum 4 yrs ago tore me apart and my children and it is hard at first but now i am a expurt to been a single mum. I meet blokes but that's it they don't meet my kids. i think if i have been in a serious relationship with somebody for 4 months then i would introduce them slowly but not at the moment.

i could tell you more but i would be typing for hrs but all i can say is their is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you

P.S. I am now training to help single mums financial and to talk

Dependency Issues

One thing I am struggling with and is deeply hurting my heart is that I am a single mother, so far dependent on my mother, and I need to find work soon to get my 13.5 month old daughter Meghan Jolie and I out on our own, so I am self sufficient. 

I have always struggled with dependency issues...dependency on my mother...dependency on ex boyfriends...well now here I am and I am not willing to be with any man just to have my "physical"/financial needs met (and then be expected to meet theirs-which seem to have different meanings! I'm talkin' roof over our heads, food on table, transportation...etc.), and I seem to keep winding up with men who want a family (round 2 or 3 or whatever...), or who want childcare for their daughter, or whatever...

Anyway, I am dreading working because I am a very private kinda to myself woman to begin with, and I love living out in rural Oregon because of that.  I also nurse my daughter on demand as she and I both need it (I look at it as a 2 way street...), and I could not bear to leave my baby alone with someone else.  People say oh!  Just leave her with a bottle of your milk...oh ok, that will solve it.  Jeesh, they don't get it.  It isn't just about milk!  It doesn't feel right and so I am bound and determined to make it work somehow, someway. 

The bio father isn't in the picture...he isn't on the birth certificate...anyway, being a single parent so far isn't too much of a financial challenge.  I am on food assistance and live with my mom and she carries the weight money-wise.  But I really don't like that she supports us...so I guess this is a share and also a cry out for help cuz I don't know what kind of work to do being that I'm kind of a hermit type woman, who struggles with sensitivity to the way the world is now and social anxst...depression...probably because of how it is out there, and how I am.  Hope I make sense. 

I have everything I have always dreamed of, my daughter...so now I just need to figure out how to provide for us and be satisified while doing it, WITH baby on hip!  My baby is healthy, beautiful and oh so smart.  She amazes me moment to moment.  Any ideas, support, advice...feel free to email me at [email protected] 

Thank you.  I am so thankful for like-minded mama's out there...  -Lisbeth

UPDATE from Lisbeth 5/4/05

I am 21 years old and 14 weeks and 1 day pregnant. Although people like to think of me as a soon to be single parent I consider myself a parent now. Being a parent starts long before the baby gets here, but some people don’t understand. I have known that I have been pregnant since the very beginning. I let the guy know whom I had been in a so called relationship with that I was late. Like most useless guys he says oh boy it can’t get any worse.

Well for him I guess it did. A couple of days later I found out for sure indeed I was. We had only been talking for about 3months before I found out I was pregnant. I am a very understanding person so I knew he was scared and didn’t know what to say and what he wanted to do. But being understanding has to come to and end. I asked him if he wanted to be with me and all he could say was I like the fact that we just chill. Of course who wouldn’t like eating, sleeping, bathing, and fu#king. He wanted everything from a relationship but the commitment.

Well I can’t settle for that anymore I have a baby on the way. He never asked when my doctors appointments are or how they been, he don’t even have a clue when the baby is due. But I don’t if he cares. Well someone should care, RIGHT… Yeah only God in these situations and a hell of a good family and friends.

But sometimes it feels like I need more I feel that he should care that soon there will be a little boy/girl coming into this world with half his genes. Of course I know I don’t need anyone like him who only calls when he wants something and pays the role like I'm not even carrying his child but that’s easier said then done. I want to be able to share the sound of my baby’s heartbeat with the father and have him be by my side when the baby starts moving but instead I experience all of these things alone. I know I said I have my family which I really do but with me being in another state since I am in my 3^rd year of college its hard for them to know I am lonely. I always put on a role so my mom won’t worry about me and ask me to move back there. Deep down inside I know that I probably  could do this with out a father but it will nice to know if there is a guy out there like my step dad who will find me someday and sweep me off my feet.

Feel free to keep in touch I could always use a friend especially someone who understands what I have to go through. Good luck all u single parents and remember everything happens for a reason.

Sincerely

Najma Wilkerson and baby boy/girl June 5, 2004
 

I am a single 21 year old who is 4 months pregnant with my first child. The baby's father was very abusive, controlling and cheated all the time. At first he kept telling me that he wanted a child and how much he wanted one with me. Well, right after moving into our new apartment I got pregnant. I was still on the pill but had been on antibiotics because of my being sick. I just found out about the pregnancy July 30, 2003. I left my ex-boyfriend before I knew I was pregnant. When he found out about it, he said that he could care less and that the baby's not his. Well, I am very lucky to have my mama and daddy hear to help me. I have since moved out of my own apartment and moved back in with my parents. I am having some complications with this pregnancy but my mama is has been by my side from day one. My ex also gave me an infection because of his cheating on me. I know that it is better for myself and this baby not to have this father in our lives. I have enough support from my family and my friends that I do not need him. This pregnancy was very unplanned but I love this child more than anything in this world. I am due February 21, 2004 and can't wait until I can finally see this child's face. I know that one day I will meet someone who will love me and will love this child and will want to raise this child as his own. I'm not worried about any of that right now. All I am worried about is my child being happy and healthy.  

I met my husband while we were in H. S. It all felt like a sweet dream. High school sweethearts, getting married. I married him when I turned 18-two years after we met. I wanted a child so badly, it hurt.

My husband, at first, was a sweet, romantic and loving man. I never thought that I could live without him. Never thought our marriage was going to end. About a year and a half into our marriage, we finally conceived. Was great-everything I have ever thought it would be. At the time, we thought it would be a good idea to move in with his mother.

During my pregnancy, I realized the man I had loved for all these years, was revealing his true colors. His mother and him would make comments such as, "It better be a boy, or we'll give her up for adoption." Being pregnant, and not knowing the sex of my child, this would often get me upset. My supportive husband was no longer there. Instead, a man stood before me with an evil grin. Call this mental abuse, psychological abuse, whatever. I knew one thing. I was no longer happy with him.

Once my son was born (oh, they were happy about that!) things got even worse. He would criticize every aspect of motherhood, starting with breastfeeding, CO-sleeping, and every other decision I made concerning my newborn son. On the other hand, he would never spend any time alone with our boy, and when he did, it would be for 10 minutes-not even long enough for me to shower without worrying. When my son turned 9 months, my mother-in-law wanted to take my son on a "vacation" to another country, but said I could not join then (my husband was also going). When I refused-fearing I would never see my child again-they made threats at me saying they would get custody of my son.

At this point I knew that if I wanted my son to be happy and safe, I had to leave. Ten months later, and here I am. Motherhood has blessed me. I am stronger than I ever thought I would be, happier than ever before, and safer. I often felt guilty for my son is going to grow up without a father. His father has lost his supervised visitation rights, has not paid any of the court-ordered child support, and has been trying to play games with me ever since we separated.

When my son turned a year, I was sad. I kept thinking to myself- "This isn't the way it's supposed to be. This celebration is supposed to be mommy, daddy, baby, and other members of our family and friends. I know my son is too young to understand that our family is different from two-parent families, but I can see now, how much he needs male role model in his life. Unfortunately, I do not have a dad, brother, or other good male friends that are around for him. On play dates, he sees his friends climbing up to daddy's lap, and he gets sad... jealous...confused.... I see that, although my son is only 19 months. He is very bright, and he understands more than I think sometimes.

When I left his father, and went to court to get custody for my son, the judge asked me what do I do. It felt like the whole scene has frozen and I was thinking, "What do you mean what do I do? I am a Mom! believe it or not, that's more than any full time position. You don't even get a lunch break," then I hear her ask, "do you work? do you go to school?" And I sadly thought, "no. I do not go to school, although I wish that I had." But I heard myself say "yes.I'm starting school this September," and my head was yelling at me "what are you doing? you don't go to school," but I answered right back, "I guess now I am!" so before I knew it, September came around and I was indeed enrolled into school. My first semester had just ended. I am majoring in paralegal (always good to know the laws!) and have been loving it. I am getting excellent grades, and it is comforting to know that my son is close by- on campus day care. I know that he is safe, happy, and interacting with other children.

I am left with one wish-that my son continues to grow to become a happy, healthy, and good person.

I want to wish all of you single mommies out there-be good to yourselves and your children. You have one another, and that's the greatest gift anyone could ever ask for. Don't be too hard on yourselves and love yourselves. Love your little ones endlessly. I found my son to be an amazing source of strength. Good luck to you.

Everything you need for a happy baby!

Poem of Love and Rage

Hugs, Smiles, Happiness
My Life’s Melody
Those are my Children
My Son, my Daughter
They fill me with Love
They are the Sun
The Sun that Shines from Within
The same Sun Shines Outwards
But now it shines like fire
good-byes, tears, sadness

the chorus of my life
that is THE System
The system is like a MACHETE
That attacks from the outside
the same Sun that Shines from within
is the fire burning on the surface

Poema de Amor Y Ravia
por, L. C. Olaniyi

Abrazos, Sonrisas, Felicidad
La melodia de mi vida
Esos son mis hijos
mi Hijo, mi Hija
Me llenan con Amor
Ellos son como el Sol
El sol que Brilla por dentro
Ese mismo Sol Brilla hacia fuera
Pero ahora brilla como un fuego
despedidas, lagrimas, tristeza

el coro de mi vida
eso es EL Sistema
EL sistema es como un MACHETE
Que nos ataca por fuera
EL mismo sol que Brilla por dentro,
es el fuego encendido por fuera


I write this poem in honor of my children and protest of the legal system that has not taken their total joy and well-being into consideration. I am a mother who loves her children.  I am a mother who has invested time, energy and resources into creating two joyful and loving children .  I am a mother who did it without the help of their father for far too long.

Finally, sense and savings went hand in hand I filed for divorce.  That is when my nightmare
began.  The system took over.  The system granted equal rights for the man who had wiped me of my savings, robbed me of trust practically abandoned all the needs of our two beautiful children.  In less than fifteen minutes of discourse between two lawyers and a few hours of review, the system stole my children’s security ...legally!

As advocates for children, we must demand that judges wear the glasses and hearts of the children first and foremost.  No child should be stripped of the only security known to them without  due cause.  In my case, the system granted equal rights to a father who had abandoned his daughter and cared for his son when it proved convenient.  While living in Iowa with our two children the system granted temporary shared custody until matters could be further resolved.  The father has made certain that matters do not resolve themselves quickly.

For my daughter, this meant going to a father she barely recognized .  For my daughter, this meant being stripped away from the only lifestyle, security and love she ever knew.  For both children this meant traveling 16 hours in a car every two weeks and viewing unhealthy and derogatory behavior towards others , especially women. While I reduced the burden somewhat by moving nearer to my children’s father and nearer to my most amazingly supportive and loving extended family of cousins, aunts, uncles, parents and grandmother, temporary shared custody has meant months of worry and insecurities for everyone who knows our children.

I understand that the system wants to be fair to both parents.  Yet, had the parents been fair to one another it would not have needed the system’s involvement.  It is unacceptable to reach for equality at the expense of the children’s best interest and needs.  Rhetoric must be matched by action.

As a mother, I thought my case was cut and dry since I had undeniably been both children’s
primary provider since birth.  Furthermore, their father moved two states away with no reliable transportation of his own just one month after his daughter was born. Their father undeniably prioritized his own personal interests above those of his children’s. Despite his recorded threats towards myself and others, the system was willing to chance the well-being of the children.  It is not uncommon for children to be required to go with a parent with established cases of abuse.  Many judges still feel that abusing the mother is no indicator towards violence on the part of the children.  While violent parents may retain custody rights of their children, perfectly wonderful undocumented parents have been stripped of their rights due to their status alone.  Many other loving and capable parents have had the same rights stripped away when a biological parent decides they are ready to parent their child despite the fact that their child was given up for adoption via proper procedure. 

Unfortunately politics, money and the aforementioned reasons continue to take priority over the best interest of our children in family courts throughout this nation.For this reason a recent  documentary entitled Small Justice by Ms. Garland Waller has won many awards  including the NY International Independent film and video award and has been hailed by advocates throughout our nation.  State senator of Michigan, John Hansen has written in support of this documentary which depicts actual accounts and horrifying statistics showing extreme cases of gender bias, denial of due process, incompetence, corruption and fraud.  The video shows how unfairly the family court system works on behalf of women and children time after time.

In one case, a girl now in college details how the system enabled her father’s extreme abuse by appointing her father’s lover to be her supposed protector. She withstood years of abuse at the hands of the system.  No child should be used as pawns in the game of life.  If you wish to learn more or advocate on behalf of children to make our family courts system stronger, please contact L. C. Olaniyi at El Nuevo

Opinion.  The following resources may be helpful if you or someone you know has suffered at the hands of  the family court system : http://www.smalljustice.com ; http://www.rightsforchildren.org ; http://www.familylawcourts.com .

Love your children. Love all children.  I still hold hope that love will mold the machete into a more acceptable form.  Let the metal transform into the hourglass figure that nurtures rather than destroys.

~Kogiqueen

I am a divorced single parent.  My ex was verbally and mentally abusive.
I am glad he is no longer with me. I recently met a man who I had been seeing for a while, and I became pregnant.  I am very happy that I am pregnant once again, although the friends that I had are not.  None of them have called me ever again since I told them that I got pregnant, all but one girl who I've know for far less time than the other friends.

I have decided to keep the baby, come hell or high water.  Friends or no friends, job or no job, relatives involved or not, I don't care. I have also decided that I am going to have a homebirth. Last time I had my baby and I was in labor, I kept thinking to myself, why the hell am I leaving my home to drive to a hospital to get help with my giving birth?

I don't need anyone's help, this is a natural occurrence of the body?  I felt kind of silly even going to another place to have strangers help me deliver my baby. I am going it alone this time.  Husband or no husband, the one I had before didn't even help me with anything, when my water broke he said he had to go to work. I even had to order groceries to be delivered.  All this from a man I thought I knew after many years together. I did everything by myself always, so I am used to it. I think it is very very rare when you find good friends that are genuine.  I have yet to find those.

This fall, my daughters and I both start school- I in
college and my twin five year old daughters in
kindergarten. I had my daughters when I was sixteen.
At the time, I decided to graduate early and start
classes to attain a job so that I could support my
girls. It was extremely important to me that the
people around me pay as little as possible for my
irresponsible actions, and that I be as responsible as
I could for the decisions I had made. My daughters are
the most wonderful things that have ever happened to
me. They are my inspiration.

After graduating from high school I finished a year of
classes towards a computer programming degree, and was
lucky enough to land a job as a programmer. I have
been working in that capacity ever since. I continued
going to classes with the intention of getting a
computer information systems degree until last spring
when my boss asked me why that was still my goal. He
pointed out to me that I have already learned
everything I need to know, and can pretty much pick up
any computer language or skill needed, as I have
already demonstrated through my work.

It was through that realization that I decided to
change my focus and go for a bachelor of arts degree.
I haven't quite decided what my major will be. I think
it will be English.

Most of my spare time is spent with my daughters, or
in reading, writing, or keeping up my website
(http://www.upsoclose.com). I also enjoy making or
fixing things, an evening spent with friends or
family, and a good dose of humor.

I am a firm believer that you are in charge of your
own life, and it's quality. I've used that saying to
get myself through all of the ups and downs of single
parenting, and it's kept me striving for more for my
children and myself.

Single parenting is frustrating, because outsiders
just don't understand the pressure of being a single
parent. I've received many a scornful look for having
to ask a second time, say if my daughter has to return
school library books on Tuesday or Thursday since the
twins are in different classes. I have to stifle my
indignation at being misunderstood and stereotyped. If
parenting itself is a thankless job, single parenting
is doubly so. In my mind, I am proud of what I have
achieved, and the happiness I've so far been able to
create in my home for my girls.

Carina Silfverduk

I am a single mother, of 2 boys ages 5 and 10.  My husband left me for the first time when I was 7 months pregnant with my youngest child.  Needless to say I was devastated.  He did however, come back and leave again 5 more times.  Boy those were hard times.  I never thought I'd live through it, but here I am. Feeling more self sufficient, beautiful, and powerful than ever.  I have a job as a nanny which allows me much time with my children, and have plans (god willing) to attend nursing school In March of 2003.  I just cant seem to find financial aid information on the internet.  There are lots of sites most of which want you to buy a subscription to get info.  Can anyone help me find a site in which I can apply on line for grant money for school???  Your help will be greatly appreciated.  Oh, and by the way, school would never have been an option if that he was still in my life.  Making it on my own is the most wonderful gift I have ever been blessed with.  Hold your head high and love your kids.  Your pride and strength cannot be taken.  If you no longer possess them, you have given them away.  Put on your boots, go kick somebody in the ass and take them back 

Lori Miller

Email List Letters
(responses to Monzo's questions about finances)

I have three children 15, 13, 3, and one on the way.   Fortunately, I have the full support of my family and friends.  This is important.  As a single mom, your job is tougher.  By continuing your education you will not only be putting yourself in a position to financially provide for your family but you will also be setting an example to them about the importance of college and careers.  Explain this to them.  Tell them that there will be some sacrifices now but that will change in the future (as opposed to doing without for the rest of their lives because you're stuck in a "would you
like fries with that job" because you have no degree).

My kids think it's funny that Mom has homework, tests, etc and we do our homework together.  Even the little one has her "workbooks" that she does
at the table.

I do a Tu-W-Th school schedule and a M/F work schedule.  I have my pell grant which pays tuition and books ($3700/yr) with about $1200/yr left over, gotten in the work study program at school ($3000/yr) as well as a disadvantaged student scholarship (there are SOME benefits to not having alot of $$--$2400/yr).  I work p/t on the weekends which brings in another $3600/yr.

In your situation as a single mom, I would suggest checking into any available federal programs AFDC, FITAPA, food stamps, section 8, etc.  Even if you only were to qualify for food stamps, that's about $300/mo that you don't need to worry about coming out of your pocket.  And as a CNM, you'll put it all back into the system in taxes.   You are exactly the type of person the system was originally designed to help -- take advantage of it.

As for time, there are several possibilities.  The children are certainly old enough to help with household chores.  Get them to help with the little
stuff -- folding towels, clearing their places at the table, maybe even rinsing their dishes, raking leaves, running a vacuum and dusting are within their physical capabilities.  Make sure that they know that their
participation means that you will have more free time to spend with them.

Make dates and keep them!  For example, "Sunday morning belongs to us"   We will go to church, come home and make a big breakfast then go to the park
for an hour.  Or, "Tuesday night is movie night"  I will rent a video and we will eat frozen pizza in front of the TV and I will microwave popcorn and we will all cuddle on the couch.

These types of things only take time in small manageable sections and you need them as much as they do.  Don't get me wrong, there will be times when you are peeking at your notes during the movie because you have an exam the next day, but it is important to only "bend" the promise, not "break" it.

Donna-Lynne

---

Subject: Re: juggling

Monzo;
    I am a single mother of three boys, and I asm also attempting to get a nursing degree.  It seems that sometimes I am carrying the burden of the world on my shoulders.  I have to juggle both home and school and I have a son who has a psychiatric condition that takes even more time and energy to deal with.  I get help from social security, section 8, and welfare.  I also get full tuition to go to school, which is a God send because New York University's tuition is $11,500 per semester.
    My oldest son helps me with the laundry and the dishes.  My two youngest sons have chores to do that helps keep the house clean.  My sons, especiall the oldest one, understand when mom can't do something because money is tight or because I have to study.  We all make sacrifices now  because we know that soon (I get my degree in May 2000), we won't have to.
    Monzo, it won't be easy.  But if I can do it with my complex life (did I mention that I am the PTA president of my children's school?),  then you can too!!!  If you believe as I do, that this is a calling from God, then He will give you the strength to do what you have to do.  After all, remember, God don't give usnothing we can't handle. Love and Joy
Juanita

---

After a while you learn the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up
and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult,
not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain,
After a while, you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong...
And that you really do have worth!

by Veronica A Shoffstall

"Mom, I feel snacky-I want a snack. Sit down, I need milk...."
-Nathanial age 3.9 yrs.

I absolutely refuse to bow to our foolish society that demands me to train my children to be silent. I am supposed to teach them to accept being alone from the moment they are born and the nurse tries to take the baby to the nursery. I am told that I need to surgically change them so they look like everyone else. I am urged to feed them food created in a lab vial, and encouraged to think that my own body isn't capable of provide the sustenance they need to grow healthy and strong. I am told that if they aren't raised by strangers alongside of 25 other children, they will grow up unsocialized and won't be able to function in society. I am assured that if I continue to allow them to sleep with me, they will never learn to sleep alone . Picking them up when they cry, is thought to create a child who is controlling and spoiled even if it seems to make them happier.

I am so thankful that I am a stubborn,  outspoken, opinionated woman. I am thankful that my children come first in my life, that nothing is as important to me as their well being. I am so thankful that I do not crumble under the constant criticism that tells me I have to go to work 40 hours a week because I am a single parent and I won't be able to support them through my writing. I do not listen to the remarks that I am creating MaMa's boys because they are allowed to show emotions and not made to blindly follow direction.

I am the most powerful, the luckiest, and most blessed mother in the world and no one realizes that all the negative words, looks, comments only feed my strength. I not only can do this, but I am doing it with all my heart and soul AND loving every minute of it.

amy and the boys
Amy,Nathanial,Gabriel Rawson

---

See "The Adventures of Swami-Mommy" in the

What do they have against us?

by Aliss Terpstra

Last year around my birthday I was semi-famous for an hour when a few sentences of mine were published as "Letter of the Day" in the Toronto Star (Canada's largest daily newspaper). I was replying to a rant by Dr. Garnet Maley, who had decided ten years ago to stop attending pregnant patients because they were too demanding. Apparently, consumer choice, special interest groups and nosy government officials were trying to tell him how to conduct and manage childbirth, and he was sick of it. Now there was an inquiry into the injuries and deaths of several babies that was making a certain obstetrician look incompetent, and Dr. Maley was shouting, all across the top of the Letters page, that it is the fault of women themselves, who expect too much and then blame the doctor. We were supposed to realize, he wrote, that obstetrics carries huge risks, and that without skilled, concerned, dedicated obstetricians, those women would have died.

It's my birthday again. I dug out the yellowed clipping, the letter with my picture above it. I still look the same, but the client's baby I'm holding is now walking and talking. The client has become a friend, fellow Alternamom and normal birth advocate, planning to have her next baby at home. My letter to the editor was positive and direct: childbirth is very safe, neurosurgery, not obstetrics, is the risky medical specialty and Dr. Maley ought to find a neurosurgeon to remove his arrogance. Cute and harmless. Not at all what I wanted to say. The Toronto Star won't publish a direct attack on doctors, no matter how accurate the facts. But they will publish 500 words of invective by a doctor, against pregnant women that blames us, individually and collectively, for the damage and death of some babies, as well as the shortage of doctors willing to deliver babies.

I flip to The Compleat Mother  and learn  yet another doctor is offended by The Mother because uppity wimmin have the nerve to criticize the great doctor gods in print, which creates negative impressions. Heaven knows their actions towards pregnant and labouring women and their babies aren't enough to create negative impressions.

A memory: I'm standing by the bed of a client in labour, in Women's College Hospital, the "unique, world-class" place that prides itself on its "woman-centered" philosophy of care and "family-centered" obstetrics. This woman has, thanks to me, weathered the stormiest phase of labour without an epidural and is standing up to push, her hands against the wall. She looks, is, magnificent. She doesn't act or sound like she's in pain. Dr. Elaine Herer comes in and expresses surprise that her patient is epidural-free. She says it's so unusual. I smile at her and say, "oh, I don't know, I managed to have two babies without drugs."

This obstetrician, known for her pro-choice stance on abortion, in-vitro procedures, donor insemination for single women seeking pregnancy, and resentment towards patient advocates (because she believes she is the ideal advocate for her patients) dismissed me with a wave and said, "well, you're abnormal." This is her philosophy, and she delivers a lot of babies. Dr. Herer ordered her into the bed, on her back, and all progress and descent halted. I used my best assertive and non-confrontational communication skills to get permission for my client to get back up and push effectively, but this woman-centered, pro-choice doctor ignored me deliberately and called for the vacuum. She instructed her resident to insert the plastic cup. The resident fumbled and my client's labia was gashed on the sharp edge of the cup. She cried out, the first time she had complained in six hours. There was no apology.

I asked if an episiotomy was called for and Dr. Herer made a sarcastic reference to patient advocacy being against intervention. I said quietly that I thought it would clearly help in this case. So her perineum was frozen and the episiotomy performed and the vacuum extraction completed without further ado. She was sent home 24 hours later with a fever and undiagnosed uterine infection. Dr. Herer also told her to save her nipples and not to bother nursing until the milk came in.

Two years later I learn she is having a second baby. I jokingly ask who's the midwife and of course it's a home birth, right? There is an awkward pause, then her husband says, well, we figured we were experienced old hands, so it's with Dr. Herer again.

SO: if all these resentful doctors are the good guys, we must be the bad guys, right? And they resent us for . . . what, exactly? For wanting to labour and birth normally. For the pleasure when we do. For wanting relationship with our caregivers and healers. For birthing at home. For nursing our babies whenever and forever . For not circumcising, vaccinating, spanking, institutionalizing. For not doing what we're told. For trusting ourselves and our children. For being the kind of mothers and role models they never had.

I think I can live with that.

---

"When a woman falls in love with the magnificent possibilities within herself, the forces that would limit those possibilities hold less and less sway over her."

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